Dogs and the meaning of life

I miss my dog. I wonder where he is. Is he just burned up or is he actually somewhere? I can't have another dog. No dog was like him, because no dog was him. He was my little lion. I want to believe in the here after, in life after death. and I do..... for the most part. I just wish I knew he was ok and happy. Instead of just believing he is, but maybe believing is knowing. I don't know, but there is a strange comfort in knowing we all will meet his same end. I think we did right by him. I never wanted to decide for him. I never wanted to play God, but I feel God played a part anyway. Everything happened as if we were directed by some force. Plus facts being facts he was in worse shape than we thought. Then the question arises if continuing to live just to live is worth living or should we back out nobly with our heads held high? It's like the soprano whose let their career go on too long versus the star that left just at the right time. But your life continuing should not be anyones decision but God, karma, and your own. However what do you do if you know someone is going to suffer and inevitably end? Do you knowingly let it continue in pain, knowing the struggle will be hard and knowing that it will all most likely have an ugly ending for all parties involved? Then what do you do? In our case I loved Bingo too much to put him through pain. At that point I had faith in the hereafter. I trusted and believed God would take care. Turns out my fiance and both I were reciting the Shiva mantra in our heads as he past. We both unknowingly were reciting the mantra in our heads, and it wasn't like we decided to recite it, it just popped up in our heads at the right moment. Maybe subconsciously we thought it would help. I don't know. If there is a hereafter I hope all is more clear and that we at least reconnect with what has been lost. Amen.

The Definition of God

The concept of God is hard to fathom. What is God? How does one define God? The notion that God is indescribable is a common thread throughout world religions. Muslims believe God is indescribable. As Iman Ali stresses in the beginning of his book "Peak of Eloquence:" to give God definition is to limit God. It is beyond our comprehension what God is. This is why there are no images of God in mosques, only words. It is a pure and honest way of addressing God. However other cultures share the same belief, simply expressed differently. Hindus for example also believe that describing God is inconceivable. They believe that God is beyond an individual being. God has created all, lives in all, and can destroy everything, continuously. Like in Christianity, Hinduism has a trinity. In both religions this trinity consists of three divisions of God all belonging to one source. These three forces work as one to keep the world revolving. Christians follow Jesus, believing Jesus was God in the form of a human. Hindus call this an avatar and Jesus is their Ista devata (their most favored avatar). An avatar is a form God takes to communicate with us. In Hinduism God has came many times to earth in many forms. Some recorded in history, some not. These Avatars of God emphasize God's ambiguous nature. Within these various forms exists the same entity behind different masks. God's true form according to Hinduism is immense and hard to witness as mentioned in the Gita. The Bible also references God's true identity as difficult to observe with human eyes only.

The Muslim gives God little identity, the Hindu multiple and yet none, and the Christian is somewhere in between. Yet all these outlooks lead to and emphasize God's obscurity. These most popular world religions; Christianity, Islam, and Hinduism share the same principle, God is indescribable and God is One.

Other faiths share similar views as well. Wiccans and Pagans for instance strongly believe in nature's power and its main elements: Earth, Air, Fire, and Water. However there is a 5th element, Akasha/Aether/Spirit. The essence of all things. They believe these elements are combined in every creature and come from this indescribable element. Native Americans also highly regard nature and many tribes people believe in a Great Spirit that has created all things. Like the previously mentioned faiths, these beliefs agree that these main elements created us because they came from the source of all things, God.

Even Atheists believe God is indescribable. If you cannot define something, does it exist? If a tree falls in a forest but no one hears it, does it make a sound? Many Atheists feel that if something is beyond comprehension then it is unreal.

So what is the Definition of God? There is none. Will there ever be? I don't know. However I will leave you with this:

"Rumi, who is one of the greatest Persian poets, said that the truth was a mirror in the hands of God. It fell, and broke into pieces. Everybody took a piece of it, and they looked at it and thought they had the truth. "

- Mohsen Makhmalbaf

In the Battlefield of the mind! & My strategic planning!

So I started this new job. Which is great! It's probably one of the most perfect jobs I could ever ask for and it all sort of happened by accident. The place is only a few minutes away. The people are ridiculously kind and they play Bob Marley in the lounge area. So what's the problem you ask????

The problem is me!

I've been burned before and those demons that crushed my confidence are lurking back. I'm currently playing pinata with myself trying to bat down those inner demons. Demons screaming: "Your going to fail, you can't do this, they aren't going to give you a chance, each time you slip up that's one point docked against you, everyone will think you are a loser if you get let go of, maybe your just not good enough...." yadayadaya You get the point? Then things sometimes get uglier like: "Why aren't you in the best grad school or on the stage, you have no money, what are you doing with your self, Why can't you win, you've failed, your old (haha I know that seems ridiculous), you are a slow processor, you can't pay attention to details, you are always going to be stuck in the same place, doing the same things, and never make anything of yourself...."

Obviously I know that these are not true, and that thinking this way is going to get me nowhere fast. So I'm in the battlefield of my mind and the opponent is strong however I do have ammunition. My Blog! hahaha and friends and family, plus my inner strength to fight them off. I figure writing about it will help.

We all have these demons inside our heads. It's Maya or the Matrix messing with your system, so we need to unplug out of the Matrix for a moment.... ::unplug::

Regardless of the outcome. Life is full of ups and downs like this. We must sail these rough waters of illusion by maintaining calm and patience through out these extreme moments of doubt. That's what Buddhism teaches! Right? Buddha himself said "The greatest prayer is patience." However it's not just the hard times but the good times that flee as well. The hard thing to come to terms with is that "Nothing gold can stay" either. Like the seasons, the best of times will fade too. So stay afloat, "Sink or swim," be neutral and realize that like all things "this too shall pass."

Is time the great healer? Should "In God we Trust" like the State of Florida flag says????

Yes I think the solution is that! To be calm, be patient, and to trust in God.

However I also don't think it would hurt to gain a little confidence and think positively. How can one be confident and positive if you don't feel it? Well I have some hunches:

1. "Fake it till you make it": In show choir (haha) they told us to smile till it hurt.

2. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you": The golden rule. Be humble, be grateful, be sincere, empathetic, give compliments, be honest, loyal and give thanks.

3. B+, "I think I can" said the train, "You can fly" says Peter Pan, just by thinking happy thoughts: after all the "Laws of Attraction" are at play.

4. "Know your stuff": Then there is confidence in knowing your stuff. A great teacher once told me she never gets nervous because she spends hours practicing and studying her stuff, so she knows she's going to do her best. I'm a strong believer in gaining knowledge. Skills take repetition and focus. According to my instructor things must repeated 20 x correctly to really stick.

So there! Experience helps, experience comes with practice, and practice takes time, time involves patience, and so, we're back to: Patience, which is the greatest prayer! Thank you Buddha!

Ok so I have a better idea now of what to do. My plan is set and now we must FIGHT and we will be victorious! I feel like I'm in Braveheart! See blogging helps! lol :)

::plug back in:: You are now plugged back into the Matrix my friends! Have a nice day!

Two Beautiful Excerpts:

While reading Hinduism by Jeneane Fowler I found these two excerpts and they have left such an impression on me. Each time I read them I am rejuvenated and content again and again......

from the Chandoya Upanisad...... "A boy named Satyakama, a boy from the lower caste who is excepted by a guru. As a test the boy must watch over 400 cattle. This simple and natural life leads him to a deep understanding of Brahman."

"This urge to know Brahman made everything alive so that the whole of nature became his teacher. Then the trees and flowers, the sun, moon, and the stars, the rivers and the streams, the light of the day, and the darkness of night. All these spoke to him of the nature of Brahman. He felt that all was brahman. He heard of Brahman in the songs of him. He realized that the eye that sees and the ear that hears does so because of brahman. He felt that the pulsating life around him as also the mind that raises innumerable questions, all these are but aspects of Brahman. Satyakama tended the cows and the bulls but in the midst of this seemingly mundane work he communed with nature and in this communion realized that which filled him with joy indescribable"

A poem by Rabindrarath Tagore depicting communion of the soul with the divine when self is surrendered:

I feel that all the stars shine in me

The world breaks in my life like a flood

The flowers blossom in my body

All the youthfulness of land and water smokes like incense in my heart;

and the breath of all things plays on my thoughts as on a flute

"Tell me all your thoughts on God"

Remember this hit from the 90s?

My father's Art books and CD collection were a sacred treasure to me as a kid and in many ways define who I am today. I would spend hours listening to albums like Alanis's "Jagged little Pill" CD (which I scratched very badly and was scolded for it), or the Police, Deep Forest, Joan Osbourne, The Gin Blossoms, and the Goo Goo Dolls. So I definitely have a soft spot for 90s alternative rock/whatever you want to call it. While listening to this I would have MTV on (when MTV played just music videos) and then pulled one of the large Art books from the towering book self to discover the beauty within. I particularly enjoyed a book of Western Art containing great European works. I would look at the picture of the Sistine Chapel's ceiling and imagine how immense and beautiful it is. A large reason why I yearn to go to Europe is because of that book, and maybe it is because of that book, I embraced so many things, like Opera. That book is sacred to me, the most influential book in my life. The most touching of all its images was the "Ecstacy of St. Teresa." A statue of the saint being pierced by an angel. I had no clue what it meant or who St. Teresa was. Though I found it sadistic, yet thrilling! Light hits its gold backing and the spear just so right proving a wonderful glow on the two figures. Teresa's twisted posture, and her expression of Ecstasy was fascinating to me. I thought, how could this woman be in "Ecstasy" while basically being stabbed by this perversely smiling cherub . It is everything. I would always relate this to Joan Osbourne's "St. Teresa" and look at the picture of my Grandmother Iris hanging on the wall above. A woman who passed long ago and who I have never meet. I always associated that song with her and also "Blackbird" by the Beetles. Why? Truth is I don't entirely know. I sensed a sadness in her eyes that I guess just seemed to fit the songs. Years later I looked up some stuff about the real St. Teresa and she is a mystery wrapped in it self. Anyway this was my childhood at least my elementary years. The rest of it was spent in the pool pretending to be a frog, princess, or mermaid, then climbing trees, and getting dirty, while imagining that I was on a jungle safari, or Xena the warrior princess. This was me and still is, just older..... sometimes I miss it, but I have wonderful memories too. I miss most the ability to dream big and vividly without logic or reason. Uninterrupted fantasizing. To look at a large grey electric generator and ride it through "the jungle" like it was a giant elephant for hours!

Anyway, what I gained was so much. I don't think parents realize the things that go on in their kids heads or how a simple CD and book collection can have such a huge impact on one person's existence. When I have a child, I hope to provide them with a world of Art and Music as well. I hope I have great collection Art and life for them to dig through, scratch up, and dream of. And Music! for them to explore and connect with, in whatever way they do.

Waiting to be Married

Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed about the Hindu ceremony. Walking around the fire excites me! & to wear a lehenga with all the jewelry, bling, and henna! Basically it's an opportunity to be an Indian Queen for a day. Everything about it is breathtaking. However there's more to it than that. After further embracing my mother's faith I feel an even deeper and spiritual connection to the Hindu wedding ceremony which has multiplied in my heart. Still just like any ceremony it is an opportunity to tell people and God that you are in love and committed to this person. It is a celebration and also a promise to cherish, live, and learn with them. To become a unit. The frustrating thing though is how to bring this event into actuality. First, how do you have a Indian fusion wedding, with minimal budget, in a small midwestern town? Secondly, how does one convince their in-laws to participate and to accept non traditional elements that they may not be comfortable with? To see the beauty that I see in this wonderfully colorful and inspiring event? Being vegetarians, and wanting a vegetarian wedding, does not help either to ease things. However it is an important aspect of who we both are and what we believe in. Also finding resources is a difficult task in Wisconsin and I am not surrounded by my beloved Guyanese relatives so I am basically flying solo here.

Also bothersome is that there isn't a plethora of pandits in the area and the one that we have found does not communicate with us or seem to care. We desire more than just a wedding pandit. We want a spiritual person that can provide guidance and support even after the wedding. For me, this wedding is not just about getting married it's about my fiance's and my spiritual journey together. If anyone has some suggestions???? I would appreciate it, in the meantime I will be waiting to be married.

Old Bollywood Glamour

Bollywood actresses in older films have such an inspiring look. The winged eyeliner, sophistication, and alluring eyes. This kind of elegance is lost in todays films not just in Bollywood but in American Cinema as well. It is a shame.